HowTo Hold a Handbag Like a Man

** Recently, as I was on my Retail Yatra as part of my curriculum at MICA, we visited the Hidesign facility in Pondicherry.

And as we were speaking to Mr.Kapoor, the CEO, who, while displaying all the leather accessories showed us some distinctly feminine looking handbag like accessories and told us, that they, were in fact for men.

Thus was born the idea for this entry.

Also having been around enough women/friends of the female variety/girl friends and having been put in this altogether very wierd situation, here comes forth some wisdom that I now offer to you, free.

“Handbags are for poofters and girls.”

~ Oscar Wilde on not being flamingly homosexual

“It's a man-purse!”

~ Your friend on why his girlfriend left him

“It's not a purse, it's European!”

~ Jerry Seinfeld on his purse

“It's a man-bag!”

~ Joey Tribbiani on Friends

You should know that men have to hold handbags sometimes. And it sucks, but it has to happen. And it has to happen because that's the way life is. And no one can help that, but you can learn to hold the handbag like a man. And then, the world will be like an oyster that is yours, but probably not exactly as enjoyable. Maybe a little more enjoyable, maybe a little less; I find it hard to give you a definitive answer. But take my advice, and know that even a world half as enjoyable as an oyster is more enjoyable than a world where everyone thinks you're a flaming homosexual because you can't hold a handbag like a man.

The Folded-Arms Technique

The folded-arms technique is cool, it's wicked, it's got all the right stuff. You could probably get away with holding a fricken pink speckled douche with this technique. That's how masculinisating it is. You wouldn't look queer at all, and that's probably the best way to look in these circumstances.

Simply stand with feet flat on the ground, shoulders pulled back, and arms folded, with the handbag tucked underneath your lean, muscular arms. Anyone who looks at you gets a cold, hard, masculine stare RIGHT IN THE BLOODY FACE, and they inevitably back down in feminine cowardice. Because you are the man, and even though you're holding your girlfriend's handbag, you are the man, and you will do whatever it takes to maintain your masculine manliness.

The Clenched-Fist Technique

This technique is for those people who aren't up for the proud display of masculinity mentioned above. I don't know who that would be. Probably an Englishman or something, but it's hard to say. In Australia as well as Scotland (where they hold handbags in their kilts), we have a proud tradition of not being poofs. The same can't be said for England, unfortunately.

Shuffling of feet and looking nervously at the ground are a must for this technique. Then you just hold the handbag in a clenched fist, and kind of stand until that sadistic bitch takes it off you. If you don't look like you're enjoying it, people might not think you're enjoying it, and they might not think you're a bloody ponce. But I guess that's debatable. Whatever the outcome, you just held a womans Handbag, and are now officially more gay then before.

The Throw-The-Bloody-Bag-At-Her-And-Tell-Her-To-Hold-The-Fricking-Thing-Herself Technique

Be careful of this one. It's dangerous. But worth a try.

The give it to someone else technique

just give it to someone else

The "I'm a thief" Technique

When someone asks you to hold a bag, grab it and run away. Purse thieves are famous for their ability to hold all sorts of bags without looking like sissies, a fact that you can benefit from until you get arrested.

The Put-it-three-feet-away-from-yourself and look-the-other-way technique

Another very good technique that is commonly used to decrease unwanted attention. Generally people will look at the bag but not at you, remember it is very important that the bag be atleast 3 feet away from yourself.

The"Hide-it-somewhere-safe" technique

Once the bag is in your hands, scan the premises for a good spot to hide the bag and move to another area where you can keep a close watch on it. This technique is flawless when executed properly.

The "One Hit Wonder" Technique

If you are asked to hold a bag, go through it and pull everything out of it for everyone to see. That person will never ask you to hold a bag again.

The "How-could-you-do-this-to-me" Technique

Drop the bag on the floor, walk out of the store, get in the car and drive home, and when she finally confronts you she'll be more pissed off about being stranded at the store, and then you can trump that by acting offended as all hell that she would have so little respect for you as a man and as much as accuse you of being gay by asking you to hold a woman's handbag, when you know damn well there's probably tampons inside it, and panty liners, and lip gloss, and other feminine crap infested with cooties, and because the male ego is so fragile she's more than likely to fall for it.

DOs and DON'Ts

Do’s

• Listen to bands like Dream Theater, Megadeth, Sepultura, or that kind of stuff. No metal heads are poofs, except possibly for screamo listeners.
• Stare people in the face when they are looking at you or the bag - MAKE THEM FEAR!
• The "Evil Eye" is also another way to intimidate passersby.
• Fart often and loudly. Nobody flatulent owns a handbag.
• Wear sunglasses, very dark ones.
• If you have a hood, wear it. It makes you look that much manlier
• Keep glancing at your watch. This will make people think you are waiting for someone. In this case, the bitch woman who owns the bag.
• Call a mate and speak very loudly about chicks, beer and hard rock/metal music.
• Be sure to scratch you hindquarters and/or shift your scrotum from time to time. Women rarely make these actions; partly because of a higher respect for public behaviour mandates, partly because they don't have scrotii.

Don'ts

• 
• Smile
• Giggle
• Dance the Charleston
• Exercise
• Pick your nose
• Put the handbag on the floor. People won't see you as a flaming homo, but the handbag owner will probably kick you in the gonads.
• Hold it while enjoying lollies. Especially pink or purple spiral-pattern lollies.
• Brush any dirt off it - people will think it's yours.
• Hold it while singing Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, or other girly pop songs.
• Wear it on your shoulder.
• Gaze at it as if you like the damned thing.
• Look at its contents.
• Check your lipstick in the matching compact's mirror.
• Exclaim that anything is "cute!"
• Ask anyone if it makes you look fat.
• Run madly into an intersection, and throw your handbag straight up in the air because you think you're going to make it after all.

Do you need help with that, Mister?

In certain and extreme cases a preference might develop for a particular type of purse, handbag, clutch or micro bag. From "preference" to "fetish" however, is a very short and dangerous leap. This could present a problem to your masculinity. Spot this problem and nip it in the bud, immediately. If you find yourself insisting that your wife wear the black leather matte finished Coach saddle style bag with every outfit, including her beachwear, you need help.

Take the bag to your local pub (or bar), stand in the centre of the establishment and announce that the patrons are a bunch of Nancy Boys in need of a good thrashing and you are just the man who can do it. Their immediate reaction will force you to drop the bag in order to defend yourself from a good beating. Before you know it your new found mates will be beating you senseless and bloody. When the room goes dark, you will be on the road to recovery. After the drubbing is finished, and your fetish cured, offer to buy every chap a pint and begin to bond again with manly men as God intended.

However, if you succeed in not only surviving the ordeal, but also in defeating your opponents, you do not need to be cured as you have succeeded in holding the bag like a man. Buy a round for good measure.

Conclusion

The path to holding a handbag like a man is long and winding, like this conclusion. Many may be tempted to give up, and continue to hold a handbag like they are girly-girls. But, the end result is worth it. Those who hold their handbags like men will stride on to wars, and get the women. Do you want the women? Yes? Then practice hard and train fiercely, because in the end, all the hardships and trials you face on the way to holding your handbag like a man will be worth it.

Pillow fighting

Pillow fighting is the deplorable act of two or more pillows attacking each other in an often violent fashion. These acts can range in intensity from minor bar fights to full scale turf wars, and are heavily frowned upon by the world community as a whole.

For many, the realization that pillows — often depicted as soft, cuddly, and even submissive to the human head — have such violent tendencies can shatter their entire world perspective. If one cannot trust his own pillow, who can one trust?

History

Most experts agree: Pillow fighting has been around since the dawn of pillows, or at least the early morning. Though artworks since the dawn of civilization hint of pillow fights, no one can pin down the exact moment altercations have begun.

"Brawling with each other seems to be built into the genetic code of these pillows," says scientist Harvey Von Braun, "Using goose feather dating, we can pinpoint a mutation in the genetics of the Downus genus of pillows all the way back to the very first human civilizations."

The human element, as always, has only increased tension. Instead of allowing their negative energy to healthily flow out by beating the stuffing out of their brothers, they have instead been domesticated. Yet few people are aware of the boiling rage hidden just beneath the cover they lay their heads on every night.

Why they fight

It is not fully known to us humans why our pillow brethren partake in such violent activities with members of their own species. However, many theories are circulating as to why they do, most profoundly one which relates to a human flaw as well: ethnocentrism.

How these pillows view themselves to be greater than different pillows is unknown, though further corollaries have been produced. Qualities and characteristics such as color, variations in covers, manufacturers, and feather type have been hypothesized as possible "races" or "ethnicities" by today's leading pillologists.

Still, this theory has yet to become fully accepted by scientists. Most biologists agree that genetics is entirely to blame for the violent outbursts.

"Everything is controlled by genetics," explains one biologist. "The sort of tea you like in the morning, that's genetics. If you're a criminal, it's not your fault, it's just genetics. In fact, we've recently uncovered a gene that determines the precise brand of toothpaste you are most likely to buy in your later years."

When asked what progress has been made in the biological causes of pillow fighting, the biologist responded that biology has more pressing matters and cannot be bothered with such trivial items as pillows. He was reportedly caught in the crossfire of a serious pillow fight mere weeks later over who got the top bunk.

Notable pillow fights

The Serengeti

The earliest pillow fight in recent history was between an ostrich feather throw and a cotton-stuffed black velvet bed pillow. The fight took place in 1845 in the Serengeti, supposedly after the British man who owned the black velvet pillow allowed it roam around a while. This was a very foolish move, as time has proved over and over that any pillow with the will to fight and the freedom to roam unchecked will go searching for trouble.

Unbeknownst to the escaping pillow or the Brit, a tribe of Zulus had surrounded the camp. The chieftain saw the escaping pillow and inspiration struck him. He loosed the tribe's personal pillow after the black velvet one. The black velvet pillow was looming threateningly over an anthill when it spied the ostrich feather throw. It immediately lunged at the Zulu pillow, but the throw dodged. The ostrich-feather throw struck with a spear and gutted the hapless black velvet pillow, emerging victorious.

The chieftain, having seen the battle, took it for a good omen and opened an attack on the whites. They killed everyone in the camp, and the tribe lived in peace until the Brits returned, this time with guns.

Tasselsippi Burning

In December 1957, a pillow fight that would give solid evidence for the Modern Pillocentrism Theory took place. This date was when Strings 'n' Things opened a new throw-pillow factory on top of Polonium Hills Cemetery, a now defunct Native American burial ground and toxic waste dump, next to a slow community of comforters. The very next month, January 1958, the first recorded pillow murder was, well, recorded. The discovery of an unidentified paisley cotton-stuffed throw pillow led to the arrest of cotton-stuffed Michael Drigg for murder in the first degree. According to the police, it wasn't just some hit-and-run, but a full frontal pillow fight.

"There are obvious signs of a pillow fight. A line of guts went on for almost a whole block," said detective Forrest Driver, "there were buttons and string and even cotton splayed all across the sidewalk, like a gruesome tapestry. It was very uncomfortable."

Up until this point, there were no historical signs of cotton-on-cotton warfare, but revolutionary scientist Hawthorn Stratsborough proposed the idea that there was more to pillow fighting than just stuffing. The killer Michael Drigg admitted the fact that his community wasn't accustomed to the presence of "those damn tasslers" so he and a few of his friends beat the throw pillow to death. A whole new field of research was opened, and a whole field of social interaction between pillows was closed.

"We can't trust these pillows to live near each other knowing they're just going to fight. Needless to say, this was the case of the century. Nothing of this much importance has ever gone down in history before," continued Forrest Driver. The interviewer, tiring rapidly of Driver's attempts at humour, promptly beat him to a bloody pulp.

Pro-Pillow Fighting

Some humans, known as Feather Flyers, have taken pro-pillow fighting stances. They are heavily ridiculed and chastised for doing so, some going so far to say that they have sold their souls to Satan himself. Satan, however, during an interview, claimed that he is not even in support of pillow fighting.

Feather Flyers range from seedy pillow harvesters who sell them for sport or feather harvesting, managers of underground pillow fighting rings and cash fights, down to simple fight sympathizers or aiders.

Pillboxes

Feather Flyers and belligerent pillows have been collaborating with each other in underground Pillow Fighting clubs, also known as pillboxes for the last few years. In these clubs, small stakes pillow fights have been held and organized by humans and pillows alike, and on some occasions pillboxes were used as facilities for planning larger scale fights or protests.

"These pillows honestly believe that they have a right to harm each other," says Nobel Peace Prize winner and polka-dotted pleather pillow Paul Pussitio, "It just makes me want to push my feathers out of all my little holes at once."

Paul wrote a bestselling novel based on his first-hand experiences going undercover in pillboxes, and can provide the most accurate testimony on the situation:

My first time in a pillbox began as usual, they started off by the customary reading of the rules. You don't talk about pillow fighting, you don't talk about pillow fighting, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. However, once the battles began, my innards turned straight to stone from gruesome astonishment. Goaded on by the roars of the crowd around them, [the pillows] circled around each other, tightening, coming ever closer. My eyes drifted onto the audience as I tried, desperately, to keep watching the tragedy unfolding before me. The lot of them looked on with hungry eyes, and I noted, with a sinking of my heart, that these were hardly the evil-looking men I had expected. They were like pillows themselves — soft, innocent, some even beautiful. I could only surmise that it was a tragedy both of the human and pillow condition that looks can be terribly deceiving. These men and women could have been anyone. It was hardly a stretch of the imagination to picture them sitting at a monotonous desk job. My eyes flew back to the circling pillows, and I felt a sudden surge of pity. These were young pillows with their whole lives ahead of them. They should be resting on a couch somewhere, warmed by a pleasant sunbeam, or lying on a bed awaiting the return of their owner and the warmth of his head. Recruited for the sick purposes of entertainment, they were trapped now, blindly following the crowd's chants in the heat of battle. Then, from the mass of the unfeeling mob came a single pillow, a mere child, not even with a fully developed stuffing interior. He flew and met his fate in the ring, smacking against one of the two monsters, and enraging him all the more. On that spot, he died in a cloud of stuffing, and the crowd cheered, cheered a sickening cheer that reverberated through my feathers and made my cover quiver with fear and hatred. One of the fights stuck out in my mind, particularly, for it was one of the few with incorporated the use of a human familiar. Three seriously messed up triplets insisted on paying extra admission in order to get a bunch of Feather Flyers to swing them around at each other by the balls. It was horrific not just in content, but also because they were enjoying it, like they were as retarded as the Hanson brothers. It was then that the true horror of the situation captivated me. It was then that I knew the world would not only be enraged by this account, it would also leave them hopelessly confused if I put in enough pretty words. It was then that I discovered, this would make damn fine novel material.

Civil rights movement

In order to keep pillows of different ethnicities apart following the Tasselsippi affair, a controversial set of "Linen Crow" laws were put into effect by human governments across the globe. Almost immediately, pillows still in touch with their id began speaking out in protest. Upon realizing they could not hold up protest signs or form a proper crowd without being trod upon, the pillows' civil rights movement experienced a minor setback.

The council of protest leaders considered using unorthodox tactics, such as hiring mercenaries of the knitting and sewing profession to make battle-ready Frankensteins. This idea was quickly shot down when the council didn't agree upon whether it should be in the style of Mary Shelley's book or the movie. After the ensuing pillow fight, a new council had been chosen to discover new methods of protests, only to have the same process of "debate into fight" occur every time. In fact, the 22nd council of '98 lasted only 4 minutes after drunk and bitter Wally Huffaguss got especially angry over Vinny Toussant's unkempt looks and piano key tie.

Reaction

Steps have been taken in order to stop pillow fighting all around the globe. People have acted in a variety of ways, such as advocating sterner feather regulations, or more radical ideas such as trying to get pillow factories shut down. The owners of Bed Bath and Beyond have been shocked at the latter proposition, and have been up at arms to date.

"'Bath and Beyond' simply just doesn't have the same ring to it," says manager Washington Irving, "so what if a few nasty pillows are stirring up problems, the majority of them are still good, aren't they? I assure you, we only manufacture and distribute pillows of the highest moral quality."

Nevertheless, pillow fighting remains a highly controversial topic. Several pillow-burning demonstrations have already been organized, yet as was soon discovered, this turns the pillows into angry fireballs, unleashing massive amounts of destruction. It looks as if pillow fighting is stubbornly staying put, its arms folded and lower lip protruding, whether the population likes it or not.

Notes

1. It is speculated that the advanced Mayan civilization collapsed in the year of 879 AD in part to a colossal battle between two of their mega-pillows, Xyquathalus and Quezilo; a similar event was believed to have happened in Babylonia. Since then, people had stopped making 150 foot tall pillows made entirely of stone and iron for use in public sleeperies (the practice of sleeperies died out not too soon after).
2. Also known by his notoriously appropriate nickname The Polka-Dotted Pleather Pussy.
3. The prior contained a conscious and intellectual freak of nature capable of questioning the morality of its own existence. The latter, similarly, starred Boris Karloff.

Volcanoes

Volcanoes are large bulges in the earth's crust where the very ground itself opens in a melodramatic burst of annoying lava and ash. In other words, they are like mountains, but scientists like to talk about them. This is because the volcanoes are annoying little attention whores.

Although most people try to simply ignore them, their frequent eruptions make this very difficult. As they spew forth their fiery magma, they claim it is a "cry for attention." In actuality, some volcanoes really do just want to be loved. Most, however, are only following an annoying trend laid down by their forefathers, the mighty attention-whoring volcanoes of old.

Formation

Volcanoes are often formed where two plates of crust decide that they don't love each other anymore, and move apart. They can also be formed when the two plates get into a fight, and charge at each other with blind ferocity, often as quickly as two inches-per-year. If the new bulge of ground that they form is unstable, perhaps due to low self-esteem or bad grades in school, it can erupt its vast reservoir of emotions, or "magma." When this happens, a volcano has formed. Some will continue to erupt sporadically for the duration of their lifetimes. Others, meanwhile, will simply wonder what the hell they were thinking and move on.

Sometimes, when several volcanoes are formed in an area, they will get together and form a band, or "chain" of volcanoes. A prime example of this is the Hawaiian Island chain. At first, they felt they needed each other's support. Now, they feel like they need the entire world's. To remedy this, they erupt often, and each year thousands of annoyed tourists flock to the islands to tell them off.

History

Throughout history, volcanoes have erupted, and pissed off those that did not expect it. When Mt Vesuvius erupted over Pompeii in AD 79, numerous Roman officials attempted to crucify the mountain. When unsuccessful, they instead had a local town crier climb it and give it a "stern talking to." This town crier, as well as several officials who escorted him up the mountain, were soon engulfed by flames as it erupted again.

Much more recently in 1980, Mount St. Helens, of WA, USA erupted in a fiery cloud of ash and toxic gas. Its excuse? Nobody had climbed it in a few days, and it got lonely. 57 people died in this eruption. According to the governor of WA, the state will soon embark on a large project to have the volcano "decommissioned." They will use a complex psychoanalysis program to assess the psychological reasons for the mountain's unhappiness, and will attempt to solve the problem with words. Although the project will cost large sums of money, the governor feels that action must be taken, even if it is an inanimate object.

Dormancy and Violence

Although most volcanoes are content to merely whittle away their incredibly long lives whoring peoples' attention spans, some will eventually become "tired of being sad all the time". These volcanoes are usually so tired that they become dormant, and are content to simply "move on", and go the rest of their life without a single outburst.

In other instances, however, the volcanoes are unable to cease whining. They allow inner pressure to blast off large chunks of their sides, just so they can get a little magma to escape. Most volcanoes claim that "the pain on the outside is nothing compared to the pain on the inside" but this is generally accepted as crap. It gets to the point where the mountains have a physical addiction to erupting, and actually continue to do so until they either run out of magma or blow themselves into oblivion.

What YOU can do to help

I bet it seems just awful to you, the reader, this whole volcano issue. The trouble is, it's a vicious cycle. They're volcanoes because nobody likes them, and nobody likes them because they're volcanoes. But you, yes, you can help. Just do the world this one favor. If you see a volcano, don't taunt it. You'll get nowhere, and it'll probably just get mad and char you to a crisp with a million tons of fiery hot magma and bad poetry. Instead, just say "Hey volcano, thanks for not erupting today. I appreciate you saving your fiery explosion for one of my descendants." And isn't that really all we can ask for?