Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Kicking Butt in the Office – No Smoking!

Non-smoking is the new way of being a non-conformist. Kids in college  are now cool because they don't smoke and not the opposite, as it used to be. Grab a cigarette and break it in half in front of everyone and they'll all say "Awwww! What a nice guy!". These are the kids who grow up and become your colleagues and elected representatives to the Government. They then try to make this a conforming standard so they can have more company by making laws which ban smoking.

Many have decided to take this action much farther, however. Devout "non-smokers" harass their smoking co-workers while they are on their breaks with magazine clippings of the various cancers caused by the habit. Some may go even as far as stealing the cigarettes from strangers on the street who they see smoking. Rumour has it that in select extreme cases, some have vowed to hunt down and terminate the plagued portion of society by burning the smokers alive in a vat of tobacco.

The main slogan of the non-smokers appears to be "Death to the death causing smoking community".

To prevent all this potential bloodshed, the Government and our Union Health Minister Dr. Rama-Douse, have brought about a new law which prohibits and deems illegal, the action of smoking in buildings. And corporates, being the model citizens that they are, have enforced the No Smoking rule within their domains as well. Pardon me for drawing parallels between Nazi Germany and the SS for this. Dictatorship anyone?

But before we get to that, let us examine what smoking is.


Smoking is the human practice of ingesting enormous quantities of the aerially-dispersed waste products of combustible organic matter, so that they may be sequestered safely within the lungs and out of harm's way.

Why People Smoke

People smoke for a multitude of reasons, some of which are good, some bad and some plainly ugly.

Here are some of the reasons:

  • ·   Stress Buster
  • ·   Helps bond with strangers (ultimate chauvinistic example being “male bonding”)
  • ·   Covers up the fact that you forgot to brush your teeth today (or was that all week?)
  • ·   Social Acceptance (it’s like belonging to an exclusive club)
  • ·   Improves your communication skills and builds confidence (smokers can walk upto complete strangers and ask for a light/match/cigarette/phone number, if the person is cute, etc)
  • ·   Acts as a better digestive aid than Hajmola.
  • ·   Keeps you warm on cold nights.
  • ·   Kills hunger and keeps you from piling on the pounds.
  • ·   War (see all of the above points)
  • ·   Festivals like Diwali (safest fireworks of the season, all year round)
  • ·   Traffic Jams (it builds your resistance towards all that smog on the roads)

Smoking at the Olympics

Smoking finally gained the recognition it deserved in 1972, when the International Olympic Committee officially recognized it as an Olympic event. Prior to this, smoking had already been established as a national sport in Bosnia, Croatia, France, Poland and Spain.

Health benefits of smoking

Smoking is the only known cure for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and some minor forms of dementia, because smoking kills you before you ever get them. Many studies have also found that out of all people with lung cancer smokers have a 70% higher rate or survival. This is due to the incredible properties of the chemical additives in tobacco which kills all the little men who make the cancer on their sewing machines. A local medical university in, Moscow, Russia has been researching on ways to cure cancer through extreme inhalation of tar.

Also all ad-based research has only proven that second hand smoke kills. Nothing happens to consumers of first-hand smoke. Case in point, the Marlboro Man’s horse died of Cancer but he was still alive and smoking. Need I say more?

Reasons why smoking should never be banned

  •     Governments get a lot of tax revenue to buy their own tobacco.
  •     Smoking is good exercise for the lungs, just like a Bullworker is good for the biceps.
  •     People die younger, so need less pensions.
  •     Keeps tobacconists and other small shops going. Alternative revenues would otherwise have had to be provided.
  •     Tobacco farmers would have to be provided with alternative means of revenue. If from developing countries, more aid would have to be provided (on reduced taxes of which more will be spent on pensions).
  •     Assorted other businesses (transport, tax revenue people etc, the quit smoking industry) will have their work reduced - see preceding point.
  •     The Ad-industry would vanish or become totally dependent on alcohol.
  •     Football players would become dependent on dope.
  •     Smokers are determined to kill someone. Just let them kill themselves, its better than having them kill you when they are going through withdrawal.
  •     Smoking keeps self-important, anti-smokers, who like nothing more than to push other people around occupied, and allows governments to go to war and screw up the economy without anyone giving a damn.
  •     Smoking is the easiest way to separate the men from the boys.
  •     Human stupidity.
  •     Second hand smoke is a good way to damage people you don't like without taking direct action.
  •     Smoking is just plain cool.

Smoking At The Workplace

The new no smoking in the workplace rule that the government has imposed seems to have quite a few reasons for being imposed. With all the previously rock solid companies going up in smoke, nobody seems to want to risk another disaster. ICICI-cle Bank is going to be the new numerologically correct way of identifying a smoke free bank we once used to know as ICICI.

The environmentalists are concerned that all the smoking leads to Global Warming and that their beach houses will soon be submerged.

The Govt isn’t able to find  suitable industrial land for the TATA Nano plant. Its strategy? Run ITC out of business and get their land for TATA.

But all this ranting and raving, and conspiracy-theory-waving aside, what do you think of the impending ban? Like it, hate it or have your own theories? Please do post a comment and let me know :)




Arjun said...

Dude... this is among one of the best posts i have read in some time...
Kudos my man.. kudos....

Avantika A. said...

Have you ever tried having a nice dinner/coffee with someone on the next table trying to smother you in smoke? Not very pleasant. I dont know whether you are a smoker or not, buti do know that smokers are a serious public nuisance.

I dont object to people smoking (as filthy as the habit may be). But i do object to being subjected to it passively. If you want to smoke, do it without bothering others around you.

Why is it so difficult to accept? The same people who are objecting to this ban at the top of their (smoke riddled) lungs, are the ones who will go to the UK or the US and follow their rules of non-smoking in public places.

As Indians we take some insane misplaced pride in flouting or objecting to all laws and rules enforced (from wearing seat belts to now non-smoking. The same is happening here.

All that the ban is attempting to do is make smoking less of a public nuisance. Those who want to smoke will do it irrespective. Atleast the ban will ensure they arent troubling others with their habit. Why is it so difficult to be considerate?

Nithya Ravi said...

hehe... at your sarcastic best :) I can see why a ban on smoking in buildings and other public places would bother you... only leaves the loo doesn't it? But at the rate of men's loos even that is public :P So poor you is all i can say. :)

Abhishek said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Abhishek said...

Good i got to Honk Kong before this ban.... LOL!!.. restrictions here too but atleast ppl can smoke in peace... "Rama - Douse".... lets c what he comes up with next...

Rohan said...

Avantika says why can't smokers be a li'l considerate?
One might ask, why cant the non-smokers be more considerate?
If they want smokers to move away fro a smoke (which a majorty of smokers do at any rate), why can't the ones who do not like others smoking move away too?

The ban is definitely welcome, but it is so 'hazy' that one is just not sure where is one allowed to smoke now. What sense does it make to ban smoking in designated smoking zones at workplaces? What sense does it make to ban smoking in restaurants which already have smoking and non-smoking zones demarcated? Pray tell me, how dos it make any sense to come out en-masse on to the street and have a fag, since its banned in offices, restaurants etc? The other day I went to Xtreme Sports Bar, and on reaching that palce I see this huge crowd outside, and I thought that no way will be able to get a table here tonight. But on going in, I found out that everyone and come out for a smoke and the place was empty inside. Ridiculous.

Smoking is banned in a public place, and the place is a public place if there are more than 2 people standing there. This si what the definition is, really. Apparently, if you are on a street and are alone, you can have a smoke. But if you have 2 more people standing with you, its a public place, and you will be fined for smoking. But what if there are 10 people standing and smoking and no non-smokers around? Will they all be fined? Because they are more than 3 and hence it has noe become a public place? Ok, what if there are 10 smokers smoking away to glory and one non-smoker standing around? Will the smokers be fined? Isn't it the duty of the non-smoker to move? Or just because he is a non-smoker (poor inconvenienced soul) all the other 10 should stub it out?

I am not against the ban on smoking. I am against the gross stupidity and blind-stubborness on the part of the govt. Ramadoss is a dip***t who has no idea how to do what. Last year it was something else, this year it is this ban and next year it will be something else. It really seems like he is someone suffering from an acute case of ADD and pulls these stunts to attract attention.

Besides, for all our cry of being a democracy, we keep doing some random dictatorial acts which makes absolutely no sense. The other day someone said that If he is so worried abt smoking screwing up pur health, why doesnt he go ahead and ban colas as well. PLEASE DO NOT give him ideas!!! He probably might just do that.

Ban smoking if you want, but do it in a systematic manner and not do it in such an ad-hoc manner as to come up with an idea that you probably thought up while smoking a ciggie on your pot.

I am not a smoker myself, but it's this very stupid laws which rattle me no end because of the slow poisonous sign of killing my freedom.

Neha said...

hi sweetheart! pick from the given choices & even otherwise know it right? i know that the ban comes like a blow to all you bloody chimneys...but i support it full-on! As for your post...its an amazing one...good work!! :)

scarlett thunder.. said...

i hate smokers...
but njoyd ur post!!

CrazyCath said...

Brilliant post. Here via Black Box.

I don't hate smokers. It is silly to hate people you do not even know for their habit
I stopped smoking 3 months ago. I think the ban in indoor public places is good. I didn't like having other people's smoke in my face even when I smoked.

Aditya said...

dude amazing post, seriously good, smoking is the coolest way to commit suicide.....lets move on man!!!

Logi-call said...

Relevant post on smoking ban in India. Read my one on the same topic but with a differnt angle at